Welcome, newly incarnated DevOps Seraph!
Congratulations on your promotion from soulstream intern to full-stack celestial maintainer. This guide will prepare you for your new role within HeavenOps.
Required Tools
- Wings (minimum 2.5m span for CI/CD aerial lift)
- Celestial CLI (
ccliv∞.0.1) – comes pre-installed in your grace shell - Grafana access token – locate in the “Golden Scroll of Keys”
- Scrollcase – fireproof, waterproof, heresy-resistant
- Incense-compatible 2FA token
Standard Duties
- Maintain uptime across distributed reality nodes
- Debug metaphysical anomalies across timelines
- Monitor the SoulQueue for overflow incidents
- Reroute unscheduled miracles to staging
- Manage prayer throttling and cosmic backpressure
Forbidden Actions
- Do not attempt to @God in #general
- Never deploy on Judgment Day (see Incident #Apoc-000)
- Avoid shadow-deploying wrath modules without sign-off from Michael
- No rebasing on the Main Branch of Creation
Unwritten Rules
- Flame-resistant robes are recommended for on-call rotations
- Radiance must be toggled off when speaking with mortals
- Uriel will not answer DMs—submit requests via form
Form-404B - Grace is cached, not guaranteed. Do not rely on it in prod.
Communication Channels
#heavenops– Main SRE channel#incident-response– Ongoing smiting events#gabriel-alerts– Noisy. Mute at will.#limbo-dev– Where abandoned feature branches reside#holy-metrics– Home of the dashboard you’ll never understand
Badge Access Levels
- Level 0 – Choir Room, Cafeteria (Closed Sundays)
- Level 1 – Cloud of Witnesses (read-only)
- Level 2 – Prayer Routing Nodes
- Level 3 – Judgment Queue (write access requires seraphim clearance)
- Level ∞ – Uriel’s Cave (access denied. forever.)
May your deployments be blessed, your logs readable, and your alerts… silent.
— HeavenOps HR Division (Angelic Form 12C: “So You Just Got Wings”)