Incident Report: Belphegor Detected in Memory Stack

INCIDENT ID: #DEVOPS-666-MEMLEAK
SEVERITY: High
STATUS: Mitigated
REPORTED BY: Uriel
AFFECTED SYSTEMS: heavenly-core-v4, miracle-queue-lambda, judgement-aggregator

[Initial Detection]

00:42 UTC - Memory usage in `miracle-queue-lambda` spiked unexpectedly.
00:44 UTC - GC logs began looping in nested recursion (see below).
00:45 UTC - System alerted: "Heap overflow in paradise.zone/eternal-promises.js:88"

[Symptoms]

• Services slowed to prophetic crawl speeds.
• Angelic threads failed to resolve promises.
• Logging buffer filled with "zzz..." from anonymous demon process.
• Stack traces showed ancient Babylonian variable names.

[Root Cause Analysis]

After forensics and a reluctant scan of deprecated subprocesses, the following was uncovered:

• A cloaked process named optimizr.belphegor.vintagelib was spawning shadow copies of service functions.
• Each clone retained pointer references to deprecated memory blocks without releasing them.
• Comment in codebase found:

  // TODO: maybe fix this later. Or never. Blessed be the backlog.
  

[Mitigation]

• Uriel banished optimizr.belphegor.vintagelib to /dev/hell.
• All memory leaks were sealed via sacred hotfix patch_of_saint_gc.4.0.
• Containers were blessed with holy unit tests (coverage: 99.7%).

[Belphegor’s Response]

Belphegor was caught lounging inside a crashed pod, surrounded by stale config files and muttering:

“Memory is meant to be eternal, why would you release it?”

He was escorted to the backlog chamber for indefinite refactoring.

[Postmortem Actions]

• Mandatory review of legacy optimization modules.
• Scheduled ritual purges of unused dependencies.
• Blessing of all CI pipelines with holy performance tests.

Filed by: uriel
Signature: # sysadmin-seal-of-truth