Papal Interference Causing Message Queue Latency

LOG ENTRY: 2025-05-02 10:03:44 UTC
SOURCE: Intercession Pipeline v2.9
PRIORITY: SEV-2

ALERT: External actor (User: pope_user) causing significant message queue delays.

INCIDENT SUMMARY:
The intercession system’s pub/sub architecture is experiencing critical latency due to excessive manual interception of outbound requests by an external user known as pope_user. Despite lacking internal authorization, the user has set up a self-hosted approval gate using Outlook, parchment, and a wax seal.

DETAILS:

• Approximately 4.2 million prayers flagged URGENT have been quarantined for “theological review”.
• The user continues forwarding YAML-formatted blessing requests to a physical inbox in Vatican City.
• They have been observed annotating JSON logs with Latin margin notes.

NOTABLE QUOTES:
Uriel-404 [Sysadmin Angel]:

“They’re like an unverified middleware extension that insists on liturgical validation.”

Raphael [UX Prophet]:

“Somebody tell them divine latency isn’t a feature.”

REMEDIATION ACTIONS:

• Reconfigured queue rules to flag and bypass all traffic from papal_filter™.
• Reassigned legacy papal_override=true condition to “deprecated”.
• Issued gentle but firm canonical warning: “Thou Shalt Not Middleware Without Authorization.”

STATUS: Monitoring. Vatican IP throttled. Blessings rerouted via cloud-native saints.

Uriel-404 Commentary:

“This is why we don’t give sudo to users who believe in infallibility.”