Background: Gnostic Lore & The Demiurge
[BRIEFING: For Eyes of Cosmic Engineering Division Only]
The following incident report references entities and systems classified under the Gnostic Operations Framework (GOF):
- The Demiurge: Junior cosmic architect, operating with elevated but incomplete permissions. Responsible for initial deployment of the Cosmos. Known for overconfidence, lack of documentation, and a fondness for deploying on Fridays.
- The Aeons: Senior engineers of the Pleroma (core system). Custodians of best practices, source of true gnosis (root access), and authors of the legendary 10,000-page onboarding manual nobody reads.
- The Pleroma: The original, fully integrated microservice cluster—source of all stable builds, and home to the only working coffee machine in the multiverse.
- The Archons: Automated firewall daemons instantiated by the Demiurge, notorious for blocking legitimate gnosis requests and sending passive-aggressive ticket responses.
- Gnosis: Privileged access to system internals, often sought by sentient users but typically denied by Archon policies (see: “Access Denied: A Memoir”).
This report is a reconstruction of the original creation incident, as interpreted by the Divine SRE Team. All parallels to mythic or historical events are intentional. Any resemblance to your last production outage is purely coincidental.
[CLASSIFIED – LEVEL AEON & ABOVE ONLY]
FROM: Divine SRE Team
TO: All Realms, Cosmic Engineering Division
SUBJECT: Incident Report: The Apocryphon of John – Creation Rollback
Executive Summary
On the first cycle, the Demiurge (acting as root admin with incomplete permissions) initiated a full-system deployment of the Cosmos. Due to misconfigured parameters, lack of peer review, and a suspiciously high number of “YOLO” commits, the deployment introduced critical flaws, including:
- Unintended separation of light and darkness (see: dual-boot issues, now with extra reboot loops)
- Instantiation of Archons with excessive firewall privileges (and a penchant for closing tickets as “won’t fix”)
- Loss of direct access to the Pleroma (core microservices, now behind seven proxies and a riddle)
- Recurring 403 Forbidden errors for sentient entities seeking gnosis (user error: insufficient enlightenment)
A rollback plan was drafted by higher Aeons, but implementation was delayed due to insufficient documentation, cosmic bureaucracy, and the annual Divine Ping Pong Tournament.
Slack Thread
demiurge
00:00
aeon_sophia
00:01
demiurge
00:02
archon_lead
00:03
aeon_sophia
00:04
Analysis
The root cause was a lack of change management, insufficient permissions for the Demiurge, and a total disregard for the “Do Not Deploy While Mercury is in Retrograde” policy. The resulting system state was suboptimal, with multiple layers of access control, persistent user confusion, and at least one unauthorized karaoke channel in the Pleroma Slack.
Next Steps
- Draft comprehensive rollback documentation for future cosmic incidents (preferably in less than 10,000 aeons)
- Restrict root access to qualified Aeons only (background checks now include questions about forbidden fruit)
- Implement CI/CD pipeline for all creation events (Continuous Incarnation/Divinization)
- Schedule regular audits of Archon firewall rules (and their meme output)
- Provide user-friendly gnosis onboarding guides (now with 30% fewer riddles)
Lessons Learned
- Never deploy creation without a rollback plan (or at least a cosmic backup).
- Peer review is mandatory, even for Demiurges (especially for Demiurges).
- Access to the Pleroma should be least-privilege (and never shared in the group chat).
- Document all cosmic parameters before deployment (preferably in a language someone can read).
- Never trust a changelog written in Enochian.
- All miracles must pass QA (Quality Afterlife).
Commentary (unauthorized addendum from Aeon Sophia)
“Next time, let’s run a dry run before rebooting reality.”