[HR-CHARM-INTAKE-277]
FROM: Multispecies Onboarding Division
TO: HeavenOps Human Resources – Special Projects Intake
SUBJECT: Interview Summary – Bucephalus the Lesser
Candidate Profile
- Species: Equine, alleged partial prophet
- Alias: “The Thundering Oracle”
- Referrer: Asset GR-1917 (“Rasputin”)
- Preferred Communication Style: Rhyme, stomp cadence, smoldering eye contact
Application Method
Scroll sealed in beeswax, hoofprint-stamped. Delivered via courier crow in trance state.
Interview Excerpt
HR: “State your intent.”
Bucephalus:
“My hooves hold truth, my tail spins fate—
I seek to join the Celestial State.”
HR: “List relevant skills.”
Bucephalus:
“I ferry madmen, charm divine beasts,
And once turned spreadsheets into feasts.”
HR: “Do you code?”
Bucephalus:
Snorts in JSON.
HR: “What are your weaknesses?”
Bucephalus:
“Carrots. And existential dread.”
Observations
- Whinnied in minor key during mention of compliance metrics
- Delivered three riddles, one of which caused Archangel Zadkiel to faint
- Tapped out “Yes” using hooves when asked if miracles should be A/B tested
Lessons Learned
- Always verify courier crows for trance states.
- Never underestimate the power of smoldering eye contact.
- A/B testing miracles is universally endorsed.
Notes & Recommendations
- Translation collar refused; prefers “free-range syntax”
- Recommends oat-based authentication methods
- May destabilize linear time when startled
Recommended Role: Miraculous Logistics Liaison (Probationary)
Stable Requirements: Fireproof, non-euclidean, shared with goat optional.
“He neighed once, and the clouds parted.”
—Interview Panel Debrief