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Rasputin Deployment: A Catastrophic Success

2025-07-04 08:00:00 +0000

Rasputin Deployment: A Catastrophic Success image

[CLASSIFIED – LEVEL CHERUBIM & ABOVE ONLY]

FROM: HeavenOps Internal Audit Division
TO: All Departments, Multifaith Integration Office
SUBJECT: Rasputin Deployment a Catastrophic Success


Executive Summary

On June 18, the Department of Spiritual Optimization activated Asset GR-1917 “Rasputin” as a freelance consultant. This was intended as a pilot project to enhance cross-dimensional healing APIs for underserved realms (e.g., Purgatory, New Jersey). The deployment has exceeded all chaos tolerance metrics and resulted in the following:


Slack Thread

Channel: #heavenops-core
rasputin_consulting's avatar rasputin_consulting
comrades! your endpoints are too clean. add mud and soul will follow.
raphael's avatar raphael
Please refrain from touching the source code while channeling. That is not a debugger. That is a goat.
divine_engineering_bot's avatar divine_engineering_bot
Notice: Your pipeline has been anointed with beet kvass. Deployment paused for purification.
gabriel's avatar gabriel
Is it true Rasputin turned the bug tracker into a tarot deck?
rasputin_consulting's avatar rasputin_consulting
not bug. omen.

Analysis

Attempts to restrain Rasputin’s influence using the Orthodox Liturgical Firewall were ineffective. He seduced it with interpretive dance. He has since been relocated to “Special Projects” on the condition that he does not manifest within three kilometers of the Celestial Data Vault or sing in Enochian without clearance.


Next Steps


Lessons Learned


Commentary (unauthorized addendum from Archangel Michael)

We knew he was a risk. But did you see the Q3 miracles? The numbers, my friends. The numbers are unholy.


#rasputin #chaos #heavenops #miracles #api #raphael #gabriel #michael

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