[CLASSIFIED – LEVEL CHERUBIM & ABOVE ONLY]
FROM: HeavenOps Internal Audit Division
TO: All Departments, Multifaith Integration Office
SUBJECT: Rasputin Deployment a Catastrophic Success
Executive Summary
On June 18, the Department of Spiritual Optimization activated Asset GR-1917 “Rasputin” as a freelance consultant. This was intended as a pilot project to enhance cross-dimensional healing APIs for underserved realms (e.g., Purgatory, New Jersey). The deployment has exceeded all chaos tolerance metrics and resulted in the following:
- Five unauthorized miracles logged before onboarding was complete.
- Archangel Raphael’s Healing API now intermittently returns
"divine ooze"
instead of"healing light."
- Twelve seraphim converted to “Orthodox Adjacent Hedonism.”
- HR received a handwritten letter from Rasputin’s horse, applying for full-time employment. The letter rhymed.
Slack Thread
Analysis
Attempts to restrain Rasputin’s influence using the Orthodox Liturgical Firewall were ineffective. He seduced it with interpretive dance. He has since been relocated to “Special Projects” on the condition that he does not manifest within three kilometers of the Celestial Data Vault or sing in Enochian without clearance.
Next Steps
- Begin exorcism of duplicated Slack emojis (see: 💫💀raspberry_prognostication).
- Patch healing API to remove embedded folk spells.
- Interview Rasputin’s horse (now trending in four dimensions).
- Revoke Rasputin’s access to the Celestial Data Vault’s karaoke machine.
- Implement goat-proof debugging tools.
Lessons Learned
- Never let Rasputin near the bug tracker.
- Interpretive dance is not a valid firewall bypass method.
- Always A/B test miracles before deployment.
Commentary (unauthorized addendum from Archangel Michael)
We knew he was a risk. But did you see the Q3 miracles? The numbers, my friends. The numbers are unholy.