# review-2025-Q1 – AngelOps Division
Subject: Uriel-404 (Sysadmin, Tier Eternal)
Reviewer: Archangel Management (Gabriel, cc’d)
Format: Forced Transparency Compliance (FTC)
🗂 Performance Categories
🟢 Uptime Compliance
✅ Maintained 99.9999% uptime across HeavenOps clusters
❗ Refused to label downtime during “Apocalypse Simulation” as outage
🟡 Communication
⚠️ Tone described as “apathetic, bureaucratic, and hostile to hope”
🗨️ Sample Quote: “If it’s divine, it shouldn’t need my input.”
Response to Gabriel’s ping:"What do you want now?"
🔴 Attitude & Culture Fit
- Filed 47 passive-aggressive tickets
- Redirected prayer requests to
/dev/nullduring “focus hours”- Enabled sarcastic auto-replies on all Slack channels:
"Have you tried divine intervention?"
🟢 Incident Response
- Resolved over 1,000 incidents
- Authored the canonical “So It Broke Again” root cause template
- Invented rollback protocol HolyRevert.sh
System Note
⚠ Duplicate Canonization Error: Saint Ignatius (x2) now recursively haunting Limbo’s metadata layer.
Authenticated By:Audit Seraphim 12-B. —
📈 Strengths
- Relentless precision under pressure
- Immune to existential crises
- Only being who correctly interpreted
“The Book of Job”as a test case
📉 Areas for Growth
- Empathy module deprecated in latest patch
- Actively discourages miracles:
"Unapproved hotfixes are not miracles, they’re scope violations."
📝 Final Notes
Gabriel [Reviewer]:
“Technically flawless. Spiritually… on fire, but not in the good way.”
Raphael [Reviewer]:
“The duplicate saint keeps showing up in our retrospectives.”
Metatron [Reviewer]:
“Not technically a bug, but it’s making the audit logs… twitchy. I think they’re trying to unionize.”
Uriel [Self-Assessment]:
“Everything works. That’s enough.”
🔨 Action Items
- Attend one (1) empathy workshop (non-optional)
- Rotate on-call duties with Raphael
- Stop reformatting holy logs into sarcasm-laced Markdown
- Resolve recursive haunting in Limbo’s metadata layer (priority: low)
Status: RETAINED UNDER PROBATION
Next Review Date: [REDACTED]